the next step — December 17, 2015

the next step

It’s been a month and a half since I last updated. Still trying to wrap my head around our most recent loss. The grief continues to come in waves, but the frequency is not near as often as it was. One of the most touching gifts I’ve ever received came from my mom a few weeks after we found out we would be having our last miscarriage. We were have lunch together before I had to head in for work and she gave me a necklace with a charm that says: You are always in my heart. There are 5 small rings on the necklace to represent each loss. I have worn it almost everyday since she gave it to me and I smile every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and often find myself holding on to the charm. It is the perfect way to honor each precious baby we will meet in heaven. 

We lost our son. A baby boy. We had begun discussing names and I had started decorating a little boy’s room in my mind. My mother in law shared that she wanted to take me shopping for maternity clothes when the time came and a dear friend gave me a huge stack of her maternity clothes. My father in law told us that they wanted to buy the baby’s crib. My mom had given me a plush stuffed lamb that she had been holding on to for a while. We all felt that this would be our time. We would finally meet the baby we have been waiting for so patiently. It was and is still devastating to have lost our child. 

We had a consult with Dr G November 30th and walked away feeling more confused. We were supposed to look at a few websites he recommended for Reproductive Immunologists. One was in New York and the other in California. He was also going to put a call in to the clinic’s third party pregnancy contact to give us information about looking in to surrogacy. It took a week for me to even be interested in looking up the information. I scanned over the New York clinic’s website and a week later I looked at the website for the clinic in California. I was pretty sure I wanted to go with the California clinic, but reviewed them again today and decided the clinic in New York would be the better option. At this point, it’s really like flipping a coin. Both appear to be great. 

One thing on the New York clinic’s website that really stood out to me today was that they report that women who have had 5 miscarriages (um, raising my hand) have an 80% success rate for a healthy pregnancy. Those sounded like pretty good odds to me. Dr G has worked with both clinics. We had a follow up consult with him today, December 16th and gave him the verdict. Of course, I came in with a ton of questions he had no way of answering yet because we have not even contacted the doctor in New York yet. I signed a release allowing my doctor’s office to contact the clinic in New York and give them any pertinent information. I will be following up next Monday and creating a profile as a new patient at the clinic. Dr G thinks that most of the lab work and any protocols can be done here locally and he will be consulting with the doctor in New York. 

There was enough tissue retrieved during the D&C to send off for analysis. They were 95% sure that the embryo transferred was healthy due to PGS (generic testing), but, to be sure, they checked any pregnancy tissue retrieved. The results were negative for any abnormalities, which confirms the doctor’s theory that it is my body rejecting the pregnancy. Depending on the tests that the new clinic will order and whether or not they find anything to diagnose will determine what protocol they use to treat me. It could be a matter of changing up my medications to going to a hematologist for IV therapy. We will just have to wait and see. 
Ross has been an amazing source of support during this time. From my moodiness to my tears, he has been so encouraging. I turned 32 at the end of November and my birthday gift from him was a gift card for 3 (!!!!) massages. I’m ready to pamper myself! He is so good! I’ve also had amazing support from family and friends. We still have one embryo frozen and a lot of hope for the future. 

I will update when I find out more information. Lots of love to you all and pray that you all have a blessed Christmas! 😘

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