Shot number one is done.
I was up early this morning because I couldn’t sleep any later. I was nervous I would miss the doorbell, although if any of you have met our dog, Pepper, you know there is no way she would ignore a doorbell. My cousin had offered to come by for coffee this morning. I took her up on that, but felt bad because as soon as she arrived, I headed for the shower to get ready for the day. It was just before 9 when she drove up the driveway and my doctor appointment this morning was scheduled for 10:15.
My mom came to relieve my cousin, but they ended up hanging out until I came back home just before 11. Arrived for my appointment a few minutes late (typical) and they knew who I was. I didn’t even have to sign in. They asked if someone from the main office had contacted me, and they hadn’t, which wasn’t a big deal. These ladies at the front desk and the nurses at the nurses’ station are all on a first name basis with me and I am with them. Still undecided whether that is a good sign or not. Definitely don’t want to be known as “that” patient.
I was called back as soon as I sat down. Bloodwork first and then the ultrasound. I was joking with my cousin before leaving the house because I was wearing a long cardigan that would cover my backside. They have one exam room where there is an awkwardly positioned mirror that reflects your naked butt to whomever enters the room. It is on the wall behind the exam table, so as others walk in you are facing them, but (no pun intended) your back is reflected to them. So much for that paper sheet for modesty. I laughed because, sure enough, that was the room that put me in and I had to take a picture to send to my cousin.
I was in and out of the doctors office in less than 30 minutes. Headed back to the house and was almost rear-ended by a construction truck while sitting at a red light!! Drama seems to find me. I have no idea where the truck even came from, but it ended up partially in the median next to me.
I received a text from my cousin when I walked into the doctor’s office that one of the packages had arrived. My mom later shared that the medicine was prayed over. So grateful for such an amazing support system. We all visited a while and then they headed out to finish their days. The second shipment arrived a few hours later and I went to work. Today was a late day for me anyways, as I had the late family group tonight.
The rest of the day was uneventful. One shot, the micro dose Lupron, begins on Saturday morning. That one is twice a day. The Menopur begins on Monday evening. Back to the doctors office Wednesday for more bloodwork and an ultrasound.
Here we go. Get ready for numerous updates. We finally received the call a few days ago that the insurance had authorized IVF. I called the nurse today to let her know that my last birth control pill would be tonight. She had me order all the medication and scheduled an ultrasound and blood work for tomorrow morning.
I also found out that I will be taking the thyroid medication throughout the pregnancy. It didn’t hit me until a few hours later how hopeful that sounded. Pregnancy. As in successful. At this point, I’m just thinking about hearing a heartbeat. Blessed to have a team of doctors and nurses who use such hopeful terminology.
After spending an hour on the phone to the different pharmacies and calling the nurse back a few times, most of the medication should be delivered overnight and arrive at the house tomorrow. I’m hoping that the deliveries will be before noon. One of the injections is perishable and is delivered on ice and has to be refrigerated. The meds are being shipped from two different pharmacies. One is coming from Florida and the other from Massachusetts.
My doctors appointment is scheduled for 10:15am. My mom is coming to the house while I’m at the doc to wait for the deliveries, as they require a signature. I figured the required signature was the safest way seeing as how I wasn’t very comfortable with over $1,000 of medication just sitting on the porch.
It’s crazy how fertility treatments and the medication required has completely warped my sense of a bargain. If you know Husband and I, you know we tend to save money. You know it’s messed up when I was pleasantly surprised that the meds were “only” a thousand (!!!!!) dollars. We’ve spent close to $5,000 for one round in the past, so this was definitely good news. Granted, that is just 6 days of meds when I will have to get a refill so that the 12 days of stimulation shots will be covered, but still, even at 2 thousand, it’s considerably less.
The next thing on the to-do list is to rob a bank. Juuuuuuuussssssst kidding. Sort of.
I’ve been thinking of this topic the last few weeks, and even more in the last few days. This is a discussion that comes up quite a bit when I talk to other women facing infertility.
This post is not meant to take anything from the women who are pregnant. You are happy, as you should be. This is not meant to offend anyone. While I attempt to show grace each day to those who have had a successful pregnancy journey, I ask that you also show me grace. Lord knows I need it.
Some days seem unbearable.
I want to talk for a while to the women who are still in the struggles and depths of infertility…What sometimes might feel as a never ending journey of pills, shots, calendars, doctor appointments, hopes, and dreams–Only to receive another failed pregnancy test, miscarriage, or disappointment.
I’ve been there and I’m still here. I know what it is like to see the Facebook posts, pregnancy announcements, shower invitations. I know what it is like to see a pregnant stranger and immediately look the other way.
For the last year or so, I’ve met with women who say they can no longer attend baby celebrations. They have had to delete social media. I didn’t really get it until recently. It’s not that we aren’t happy for friends and family celebrating such a joyful moment as much as it indirectly reminds us of what we don’t have or when our bodies have failed us.
It’s no ones fault. It just is what it is.
It’s not that I’ve been void of this feeling until now. I’ve had my moments. A few years ago when we were trying clomid, I had recieved a call from a friend that they were pregnant. I was so excited for her! Within the span of a few hours, I had been so sure that this clomid round had been successful and that we would be pregnant together. A few hours later, I recieved a phone call from the nurse that my beta test was negative. I was crushed. While being unbelievably happy for my friend, my heart was breaking after another failure.
More recently, other things have become harder. It has been one year since the last miscarriage. It has also been a year since I last stepped foot into the baby section of any store. I used to love shopping baby registries for friends, however, I have just given a card with cash at recent baby showers. I didn’t really make the connection until last week when I was faced with needing to buy a baby gift, but could not make myself even consider going to the store.
Back to that grace I was talking about? Yeah, I need it. A lot of it.
Some days I am able to join in and share in a discussion, other days are more difficult and I space off with glazed eyes.
When I share that we are starting IVF again and people are excited for us, my mind is consumed with all the what-ifs. I’ve shared more than I ever have about our journey the last year and a half since writing this blog. It has been a way to cope and connect with others. It’s also an excellent way to avoid sharing the same story over and over again.
It is completely not my intention for the texts, phone calls, or invitations to stop. Believe me, I am happy for you and I want to celebrate. I don’t want to be alienated from things, but now is the time that I ask for grace. Grace when I might turn down an invitation. Grace for when I don’t respond right away or somehow manage to attend baby showers, but show up without a gift. It’s coming in the mail 😉
August – Endometriosis Diagnosis
September – Gluten-free Organic diet prescribed
October – Thyroid levels are high–New medication
But first, let me back up.
September was a whirlwind month. Husband and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. I was sick for about 3 weeks with sinus stuff. Work was a nightmare. A deer hit me. Seriously. Smacked right into the side of my car.
I’ve been wanting to update the blog, but sitting down to type or even think things through seems too overwhelming some days. I’ve experienced increased anxiety in the last month and a half. I’ve been tired. I’ve been emotional. I’ve been numb.
I’ve also had some great time with friends. I’ve been to church. I’ve spent time with family.
No matter how difficult things get, I know that I will somehow manage.
I spoke with NY doc on the phone. He explained things to me that popped up on the immunology testing. Besides the endo, I have KIR, short for Killer-cell Immunoglobulin Receptor, markers on some of my genes. Doc said this was a secondary issue, as they can manage it with IV therapy after the embryo transfer. I have HY restricting alleles. Something about me being pregnant with a boy after having so many miscarriages…I’m really not sure, but there is an article here if you would like to read it. Doctor also mentioned something about HCH genes. I’m not entirely sure about that one, but he said, “And I know you know all about that.” Um, no. No I don’t.
Found out earlier this week that even though we have paid for a total of 8 embryos for PGS (genetic) testing, and have just had 6 embryos tested, they will not credit the remaining 2 to us because we did not use all 8 in one calendar year. Meaning, we have to shell out $$$$$ for additional testing. We have the PGS testing done on the 5 day old embabies because of the poor quality of my eggs. Example: 1st IVF round they tested 4 embryos, but only 1 was viable. The other 3 had numerous genetic mutations that would result in miscarriage. Seeing as how they have transferred a healthy embryo that still resulted in miscarriage, I prefer to experience as little heartache as possible at this point.
The good news: Husband and I are compatible. There are no immunological difficulties between the two of us.
More good news: I have refrained from Googling everything mentioned above, aside from what it is.
I received a phone call from the nurse about 10:30 this morning telling me that my thyroid levels are high. They prefer them to be less than 2.5 before a transfer. Mine are 3.4. I am starting a new medication tomorrow morning to help with this and will have labs drawn again in a few weeks to see if the meds are doing what they are supposed to. I do not know if this will postpone IVF round III, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will. Which sucks.
We had a plan. It was a rather nice plan, too. Dr. G here in Houston came up with it and NY doc approved it. We were set. Then they had to take 9 tubes of blood on Tuesday for routine tests since it has been a year since we ran those tests last. That’s how they came up with the wonky thyroid levels.
Stupid doctors and their stupid tests. They can stop. I’m afraid they are just going to keep finding something else wrong with me.
Today was a major cheat day on the gluten-free diet thing. Promptly after the phone call from the nurse this morning, I met my mom for an already scheduled breakfast and had a Nutella Banana Crepe. I also ate a little package of Goldfish crackers and a cookie at work. Gluten, gluten, gluten.
A friend who experienced infertility shared this video with me and I wanted to pass it along, hoping that it might encourage someone else…