relief — November 4, 2015


Odd that I would use this word to describe how I feel today. Maybe it is the beginning of acceptance for what has happened. The D&C was scheduled for this morning at 10am. We had to be there by 9am to check in, but Houston traffic was being Houston traffic this morning. We left our house just after 7:30am and I walked in to register a 9:20. I called to let them know we were running late due to traffic. We came across more than 5 accidents in the 50 miles we drove. All of them appeared to be minor fender benders. After we arrived, all of the staff was talking about the crazy traffic this morning, from the receptionist, to the nurse, the anesthesiologist and Dr. G. 

The pre-op instructions were pretty routine. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight and bring my picture ID. After registering, I waited all of 2 minutes to be called back. I reviewed all my medications with the nurse, changed into the hospital gown, open to the back with a blanket wrapped around my waist. The nurse came back in and started my IV. The anesthesiologist came in and did her thing. The surgical nurse came in and verified that my IV was done and that certain staff had been in to review things with me. In the past when I’ve been there, they ask repeatedly what procedure I’m there for that day. I know it’s all chain of command type stuff and making sure that we are all on the same page, but thankfully, I just had to report twice why I was there today. 

Dr. G was running late due to traffic too, but finally made it in. Still had his backpack on and everything when he came in to the pre-op room to say hi. All this time, Ross and I were kind of wondering about my IV and why it was dripping so fast, but we are far from medical professionals. When the bag was completely empty and air started making its way down, I had Ross go get a nurse. My first nurse had forgotten to turn off or reduce the drip. They got the air out, hung a fresh bag, and notified anesthesia. 

They never really said anything else about it, but I was afraid I might pee on the doctor in surgery. I know…it seems silly, but at the time, it was a big concern for me. You see, my sister is an RN and informed me of lovely things that can happen in a D&C since she has assisted with them before. This was over two years ago when I had my first D&C, but some of the things she mentioned have never left my mind. Thanks a lot, L. 😳😖

I looked down at my arm after attempting to empty my bladder, yet again, and noticed blood in the IV. The nurse called this backwash (I think??) and said it would go away when they flip the IV back on. Ross went out to the waiting room with my purse in hand and the nurse and I walked together toward the OR. I stood up on a stool and the nurse took my blanket and my entire backside was exposed for anyone to see. 

Things were moving fast and the anesthesiologist told me I would feel something cold as I was in the process of laying down on the table. A blood pressure cuff was placed on my arm and the oxygen thing on a pointer finger. They put electrodes on my chest and I mentioned “that worked fast” referring to the medicine she put in my IV which is the last thing I remember until I woke up in recovery. 

I’m not sure what combo of drugs they gave me today, but I was more groggy than I remember from previous procedures when I’ve been under general anesthesia. Normally I have already gotten myself dressed by the time Ross comes back, but the nurses had him help me today. I remember everything being in slow motion and my speech was pretty slurred. 

They offered me a bottle of apple juice, which I promptly chugged. I asked for another one. Not sure if that is proper etiquette for the recovery room, but my mouth was SO dry and my sister later informed me when I spoke with her this afternoon that they had probably given me something to prevent my saliva from producing during the surgery because of the breathing tube in my throat. They also brought a cup of cold water since I made my way through the second bottle of juice so quickly.  

I was also offered something to eat like a cookie, but I wrinkled my nose at that. She offered me some peanut butter crackers, which I accepted. BIG mistake. With my mouth so dry I felt like I was inhaling crumbs after a few chews. Perfect timing for the doctor to make his appearance. I swallowed some water to clear my mouth, but my speech and brain were totally not cooperating as I attempted to ask a question. I’m still not 100% sure what came out of my mouth, but I could tell that Dr. G and Ross were looking at each other over my head, so I tried again, with more success this time. Ugh. Just get me out of here. 

I dozed most of the way home and we stopped at Chick-Fil-A and got some chicken noodle soup to take home. Ross left to fill a few prescriptions for me. One is an antibiotic and the other is pain reliever. I’ve been relaxing at home most of the afternoon and evening. No pain so far, but they did administer IV pain meds, gave me a shot of pain meds in one shoulder and another shot for bleeding in my other shoulder. Pretty sure I’m covered in the pain prevention department. At least the physical pain. 

I appreciate the encouraging texts I’ve received today. Ross and I have an amazing support system in our family and friends. We are so blessed to have each and everyone of you in our lives. 

I apologize for canceling some visits this last week. I keep thinking I’ll be up for it, give socializing a try, and then isolate myself when I’m out with others. I’m also sorry if you called and I didn’t pick up. There are still several voicemails that were left last week when we found out the news and I still have not listened to them. I just can’t. At least not yet. 

Some days I feel strong and the next day I find myself in tears. Grief is a slow and confusing process. Ross and I got up to go to church Sunday morning, walked in and I saw my mom still there from the earlier service. I lost it. The grief hit so fast I never knew it was coming until I leaned in to my mom and the tears began to fall. 

I also want you to know that I continue to laugh and smile often. I have the best husband possible and he has been by my side throughout the entire process. He has always been near and when faced with a difficult decision I often look to him first; he continues to support me and tell me that we will do whatever I feel most comfortable with. We have learned so much about each other and our marriage in these last 4 years of infertility. There is no one else I would want walking by my side each day. He is my rock.