I’ve been thinking of this topic the last few weeks, and even more in the last few days. This is a discussion that comes up quite a bit when I talk to other women facing infertility.
This post is not meant to take anything from the women who are pregnant. You are happy, as you should be. This is not meant to offend anyone. While I attempt to show grace each day to those who have had a successful pregnancy journey, I ask that you also show me grace. Lord knows I need it.
Some days seem unbearable.
I want to talk for a while to the women who are still in the struggles and depths of infertility…What sometimes might feel as a never ending journey of pills, shots, calendars, doctor appointments, hopes, and dreams–Only to receive another failed pregnancy test, miscarriage, or disappointment.
I’ve been there and I’m still here. I know what it is like to see the Facebook posts, pregnancy announcements, shower invitations. I know what it is like to see a pregnant stranger and immediately look the other way.
For the last year or so, I’ve met with women who say they can no longer attend baby celebrations. They have had to delete social media. I didn’t really get it until recently. It’s not that we aren’t happy for friends and family celebrating such a joyful moment as much as it indirectly reminds us of what we don’t have or when our bodies have failed us.
It’s no ones fault. It just is what it is.
It’s not that I’ve been void of this feeling until now. I’ve had my moments. A few years ago when we were trying clomid, I had recieved a call from a friend that they were pregnant. I was so excited for her! Within the span of a few hours, I had been so sure that this clomid round had been successful and that we would be pregnant together. A few hours later, I recieved a phone call from the nurse that my beta test was negative. I was crushed. While being unbelievably happy for my friend, my heart was breaking after another failure.
More recently, other things have become harder. It has been one year since the last miscarriage. It has also been a year since I last stepped foot into the baby section of any store. I used to love shopping baby registries for friends, however, I have just given a card with cash at recent baby showers. I didn’t really make the connection until last week when I was faced with needing to buy a baby gift, but could not make myself even consider going to the store.
Back to that grace I was talking about? Yeah, I need it. A lot of it.
Some days I am able to join in and share in a discussion, other days are more difficult and I space off with glazed eyes.
When I share that we are starting IVF again and people are excited for us, my mind is consumed with all the what-ifs. I’ve shared more than I ever have about our journey the last year and a half since writing this blog. It has been a way to cope and connect with others. It’s also an excellent way to avoid sharing the same story over and over again.
It is completely not my intention for the texts, phone calls, or invitations to stop. Believe me, I am happy for you and I want to celebrate. I don’t want to be alienated from things, but now is the time that I ask for grace. Grace when I might turn down an invitation. Grace for when I don’t respond right away or somehow manage to attend baby showers, but show up without a gift. It’s coming in the mail 😉