Literally. We’ve had 8 inches of rain in the last 5 hours. 

Today was a bad day. I didn’t want to get up for work because I had stayed up late the night before. There was no reason for staying up so late other than watch an episode of Melrose Place on Amazon Prime. The acting is terrible and the fashion is 1992. 

I finally got myself into the shower and ready to go. I had a counseling appointment and then off to work. At least that’s what I thought. I became tearful during the session. Overwhelmed. Work and personal life have been crazy this last month.  It seems that everywhere I go, stress finds me. 

Feelings are crazy. I feel like I’m walking a tight-rope some days, doing everything I can to maintain balance. There are constant ups and downs between my job and personal stuff. Some days are great, others are bad. Some days I have kids graduating the program, other days I am sending them back to the hospital. Some days I am hopeful, other days I am terrified. 

The lab up in Massachusetts called yesterday to let me know they had recieved the blood work that was drawn on Monday. Now the waiting starts. That’s another thing about infertility. The wait. I feel that I am always waiting for bad news. It feels morbid to wait for bad news, but I have become used to it. It’s an attempt to guard myself from getting too excited. 

When I first thought of infertility, my mind went to multiples. It went to thinking about a struggle with success. You hear about that more. Success stories of infertility are much more publicized than defeat. I think that’s part of my why. Why I write about it and why I talk about it. I told my counselor that I want to become more involved in helping others. She mentioned that there is a need for a peer-led support group in our area. I’m toying with the idea of stepping up and leading it. I want to talk to my pastor about leading a group at church. I want to talk to my doctor about becoming more involved. 

I want to be a voice. A voice of hope. So that when the rainy days come, there is still a silver lining.