***This post was actually written a few days ago. I published it “privately” at first. For my eyes only. I changed my mind and made it public. The struggle is real, y’all. This process hurts. It sucks. I try to be positive most days, but I feel I wouldn’t be transparent if I didn’t share this post.***

Nothing bad has happened. I have not received sad news. But I have been feeling especially down the last few weeks. I think it has to do with anxiety of beginning with a new doctor and another IVF round. I want so badly to be hopeful this time around, but I am terrified of the “what-ifs.”  

I have not been sleeping well at all the last few weeks. My sleeping routine is usually messed up anyways because of the nature of my job and working when kids are out of school and parents are off work. However, the last few weeks at work have been even more stressful than usual after I had a somewhat threatening phone call with a parent and then had to submit a CPS report. Long story short, I was scared for my safety a few days, but everything ended up okay. A co-worker has been out ill, which meant extra coverage and longer hours. The work stuff was happening as I was wrapping up the paperwork for the new doctor and everything was overwhelming. 

It has been over a week since everything settled down, but I still feel frozen or trapped. Unable to move in one direction or another. I wait until the last possible moment to get up and ready for work, usually arriving late. It seems like no matter what I do, I just cannot wake up. 

I get down, thinking to myself that this was never supposed to be so hard. People get pregnant all the time. I’ve been pregnant 5 times. That part has been easy. It’s the staying pregnant my body can’t figure out. 

Reading thru this post, I am tempted to delete it all. This isn’t in my nature. I do everything I can to remain optimistic, but some days [weeks] are the worst. 

I think it’s time to see a counselor again. I also want to rearrange my schedule so that I am able to attend a support group for infertility in my area. 

I think back to why I started writing in the first place. It helps me, but more than anything I want to help others. To support them thru whatever trials they are facing. Infertility is so lonely, but I have been happy to see more and more friends on Facebook posting about infertility. Some of those friends have faced infertility and others, as far as I’m aware, have not, but I feel that people are becoming more sensitive to the cause and want to support others. 

I know it’s not my job to make sure people are aware of all the statistics of infertility. I don’t claim to know even a fraction of infertility issues. But I do know myself pretty well. I know what it is like physically and emotionally to face infertility. At least my story. And I don’t want it to be a story that I am ashamed of. I’m not saying I want to shout it from the rooftops, but it is a story I want to share in hopes that others can relate and not feel so alone.