I set a deadline for myself last week to submit all my paperwork to the Reproductive Immunologist I have been referred to. It has been exactly 3 months since my first discussion with him. I think I was dragging my feet in getting back all the information and consents required to begin this next phase due to the fact that I knew once I got the ball rolling, it was unlikely to stop any time soon. 

I’m not in a rush to feel defeated again. For me, the hardest part of infertility is to pick up the pieces and try again. On the one hand, I realize that the result of doing nothing is exactly that…nothing. On the other hand, I can’t get past this little thing called hope. Hope is what keeps me going. 

While I am excited that the next few months of lab work could possibly bring more answers and solutions, I am also nervous that they will find nothing. 

Whew! That was hard. I typed that last sentence and sat in silence as I stared at the words on my screen. I’m not even sure what to type next. When I first found out I have MTHFR, I researched it. When I found out I have a low ovarian reserve, I researched it. I googled 3 miscarriages, then 4 miscarriages, then 5 miscarriages, hoping for success stories. I’ve looked a little into surrogacy. I’ve looked at a lot of options and googled a lot of things. Google and I are pretty tight right now. 

With the research googling I have done in the last 4 years, I have never come across the term reproductive immunologist.  There are just a handful in the United States. There are a lot of unknowns. There are opinions, but nothing that feels very solid. It’s a guessing game. I’ve heard: you might have this or that. I’ve heard: I’m highly suspicious of ________. Nothing concrete. So far, no evidence of this or that.

As I struggle with the unknown, I am reminded of a Bible study by Beth Moore I just finished at church called Believing God. In the study, Beth gave scriptural evidence of present active participle faith. She spoke of recognizing the difference between believing in God and Believing God. I thought of a character trait I first memorized in the 3rd grade over 20 years ago: Faith – Believing God will do what He says. Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” This is a scripture I have clung to many times in my life. This scripture lists faith, hope and evidence–all things I am struggling with, but also clinging to righ now. The first 2 words of the definition of faith shared above are Believing God. 

This is where I am right now. I have hope that I will love on my child one day. I have faith that God knows the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). And, above all, I am Believing God.