We got some not-so-good news today and I feel like I’m holding my breath waiting for Friday. Ross and I went in for our appointment at 2:30 today, Wednesday Oct 28. They called us back quickly for blood work and then we had to wait just a few minutes for the doctor to arrive. He came in and asked how I was doing. I mentioned becoming short of breath after what is normally an easy activity for me. Also that I had been tired and forgetting simple words. He smiled and said it sounded like I was pregnant. 

He placed the ultrasound where he wanted to and I immediately saw flashing!! This must be the heartbeat! He said that we should definitely be able to see it today. I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. He continued to look and pointed out the flashing, but shared with us that he was not convinced that was what we were looking for. He was having a difficult time finding the fetal pole. He looked for several minutes and I started asking questions. I had a feeling this was not going the way it should. 

He did tell us that there were a few things that had him concerned. The first being that what we thought may have been the heartbeat was “artifact.” In other words, not the heartbeat. I became tearful at this point and Ross grabbed my hand. The nurse handed me a few tissues and I tried to gain my composure as I continued to listen to the doctor. He shared that things were not as defined today compared to five days ago.  He looked around my uterus for at least 10 minutes. There were no pictures printed to show the progress of our baby. Instead, I sat up on the exam room table and spoke to the doctor about whether or not I wanted to stop my medication today (not ready for that yet) and we discussed the odds of there being a heartbeat on Friday (low).

All of a sudden we were discussing the option of a D&C. This was not happening. There was supposed to be a heartbeat. I was supposed to go back to work and show off my latest ultrasound picture and give a report on the baby’s rapid heartbeat. But all of those happy thoughts came to a sudden halt. The lifetime that I’ve dreamt for our baby in the last 3 weeks is looking very bleak. I want to have so much faith and hope at this point. I want to believe that this will have a happy ending. But my hope is fading fast. 

The doctor was telling us that he wants to be prayerfully optimistic, but I got the feeling that he is leaning toward what my body and science is telling him. That a miscarriage will be confirmed on Friday. He told us that with my history of multiple miscarriages and that our first IVF attempt failed and now our second IVF is likely ending in a miscarriage that he is ready to refer us to a Reproductive Immunologist.

I didn’t even know there was anything more specialized than a Reproductive Endocrinologist, which is what Dr. G is. He shared that these doctors are on the fringe of the latest research for infertility. He said that there is one in Dallas, one in Chicago and one in New York City. He said I would likely be referred to the doctor in NYC because Dr. G has worked with him in the past. 

The doctor and nurse left the exam room so that I could get dressed and I had a bit of a breakdown. I pulled myself together and we went out to the nurse’s station and set up our appointment for Friday. The doctor wants to be the one to do the scan on Friday, so he asked the nurse to schedule it for a time when she knew he would be available. We rode the elevator down 4 floors and walked out to the parking lot. Ross asked for my keys and drove us home. I was concerned about his truck, but he wasn’t and just kept driving. 

I called my mom. It was about 3:30 at this time. She left work and was at our house just after 4:00. It felt like I had been crying for hours at this point. I was drained. Mom and I drove to Starbucks and then stopped at the grocery store. Since we got the news this afternoon, I began mass texting a lot of friends and family. The support we received this afternoon was overwhelming. I am so grateful for all the replies. 

I let my boss know that I would not be back today and filled her in on what was going on. She had all my assessments and groups covered for the next two days. I thanked her, but feel that it is best if I go in to work. I won’t be doing any groups, but I’ll be going in to work on paperwork. I do better when I am busy. There is a small part of me that is wanting to remain hopeful for a heartbeat on Friday, but with our history, the negativity really has a way of creeping in and camping out in my head. 

I hugged my mom tonight before she left and wondered out loud if I hadn’t prayed enough. Mom hugged me tighter and reminded me that this was not a punishment. I know in my head that I serve a mighty God, but my heart is breaking right now.