Yesterday I kept my phone close by with the volume turned up because I knew that I was supposed to be contacted for an update on the progress of our three embabies. As each hour passed, I was sure that they were going to call with bad news. I tend to freak myself out in cases like this (just ask my husband!) and finally went to a co-worker’s office and called the doctors office from there.
It was 4pm yesterday and I knew I was being paranoid, but I also really wanted to have some sort of idea before they closed for the day. I called the nurse I normally talk to, but I got her voicemail, so I called the main nurse line. Thankfully, someone answered. I gave her my name and explained that I’d had a retrieval Friday and that today was day 5 and I was hoping to get an update. She put me on hold and soon came back on saying that they had frozen 2 embryos so far, which means they had made it to the blastocyst stage and that they are giving the 3rd embryo one more day to see if it will get to to the point where it can be biopsied.
Never have I been so relieved to know that I was going to be waiting longer! It will be 2 weeks from now until they will have the results from the PGS (genetic) testing. I was relieved to have good news that I finally let myself relax and cried for a few minutes. I was talking to my co-worker, who has been a great source of support through all this, about how IVF is making me a cynical person.
Normally I am the optimistic, glass half full kind of person, but lately, I have caught myself being more pessimistic. We will share good news throughout this process with friends and family members and they will get excited for us, but I am quick to remind them that there is a very real possibility that this will not turn out in our favor. I think this is because this is our second round of IVF and after so much disappointment in the last 3.5 years, I remain very guarded.
I don’t like the feeling of being cynical, but being hopeful terrifies me. I’m scared of experiencing more disappointment. I was talking to my mom about this Monday morning and she shared with me about a devotional she had just studied. It was written by a woman who had had one failed IVF attempt after experiencing infertility. This woman prayed to God knowing that He knew the desires of her heart and her longing of being a mother. She prayed that if that child would not be biologically hers, that God would have to change the desires of her heart.
I am so scared to pray that same prayer. I’m not sure I’m there yet. I have had a heart for adoption since I was in high school, but it never crossed my mind that I may not have my own biological children. I know that families who have adopted don’t differentiate between biological and adopted, but I just always saw myself experiencing pregnancy. I’m not giving up on my dream of Ross and I having a family, but it is unclear at this point how that will happen.
A lesson I continue to learn is that it sure is a LOT easier to have faith in God’s plan when things are going according to your own plan.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits; and in his word I hope. Psalms 130:5