Retrieval is set for this Friday…I think. I am scheduled to go back to the Dr Wednesday morning for more blood work and another ultrasound. I am to continue my shots through Wednesday night. I will know more after seeing the Dr in a day and a half from now. It is crazy how timing is everything with IVF. Down to the hour and minute.
I was able to attend a support group tonight. This was my second time, but due to work scheduling, I have not been able to go since May. Otis offered just once a month. There were 5 women in attendance and two of them had their husbands with them. Last time I went, there was just one other woman there, so it was a real crowd tonight. The support group is lead by a licensed therapist who specializes in infertility counseling. It’s the same woman I saw for individual counseling a few times in the spring after we found out our first IVF attempt was unsuccessful.
It was nice to be in a room with other women and couples who are facing similar struggles. We were all in different stages of infertility, but we were all able to relate to each other. It was nice to be able to hear their stories. Many of my own thoughts and fears were shared by the other men and women in the group.
I live in an area that attracts people from all over the world due to the oil and gas industry. In our little group of 5 women, 3 of us were American, one from Russia and another from the Middle East. Infertility is a struggle that does not discriminate. People from all cultures and societies are struggling to have families of their own. It was interesting that it has been infertility that has brought us together.
I started this blog because I needed an outlet. But it has become so much more than that. If the only reason I am going through infertility now is so that I will be able to help someone else through it later, then this will have all been worth it. I know that without a doubt. Sure, there are some hard days. Really hard days. But, I am also learning how to live for today.
Today was the first day back to school for many Texan children, and you know what? It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I saw all the back to school pictures my friends and family were posting on social media and I was truly happy for them. It might be because I was very aware this day was coming because I work with the adolescent population in my current job and I have been preparing them for this day for a few weeks, as many struggle with school related anxiety and bullying. But I also know that I was happy because I have been able to let go of the bitterness and resentment I’d been holding on to for far too long. I’m not proud to admit this, but I was mad. Jealous. Sad. For a while, I was so caught up in not having a child of my own, that I couldn’t even feel happy for the people closest to me.
Infertility is not my fault, but it is especially not the fault of anyone else. It is what it is, which is a very simple way of summing up a rather large and complicated issue. I don’t want to minimize the issue of infertility, but I also don’t want it to consume me. I talked to my teenagers today about being the best version of themselves each day. I work with these kids on a daily basis to set goals for themselves, but this is also going to become a goal of my own. I want to be the best version of me each day. I want to go to bed each night knowing that I gave it my all that day. As long as I work to be the best I can be each day, there is no way I’m going to fail.
**Disclaimer: Today and this last week have been really good and I’m not naive enough to think that I won’t have more bad days. Therefore, I reserve the right to have a pity party in the future if I feel like it. It’s my blog and I can cry if I want to. 😉