I was in the waiting room at my clinic on Friday and I heard my doctor’s voice as he spoke to other patients around the corner. After waiting about 35 minutes, I was called back by a nurse and she took my blood to send off to the lab to find out my levels and then told me that I would not be seeing Dr G today because he had just gone across the street to the hospital for an emergency D&C. 

This meant that a patient who was there for her appointment to check the progress of her early pregnancy had just received the news that she had miscarried. This IVF stuff is not for the faint of heart, but if you are at this stage of medical intervention to become pregnant, you have most likely already experienced some very sad days on your journey to create a family. 

It terrifies me that I could possibly have a 5th or even 6th miscarriage. It scares me for a few reasons. One, being that after the 4 losses we have already experienced, IVF is by no means a guarantee that it won’t happen again. The second, being that my doctor has already informed us that even people who have 3-4 miscarriages have a 75% chance of still having a healthy pregnancy; however, if you have 5+ miscarriages, your odds of a healthy pregnancy drop to 40%. And yes, I realize these are just numbers and statistics, but when you are faced with the reality Ross and I are facing, those numbers can definitely put you on edge. 

During the first round of IVF this last spring, there was a day when I came in for my appointment and I had been assured that I would see my Dr, as he had been out of the office the 2-3 previous appointments. I became very frustrated when I found out that I would not be seeing him on that particular visit either. The nurses saw my frustration and gently told me that he was assisting a couple who had just lost twins and they would be having emergency surgery. As soon as I heard the news, my heart ached for this couple. I know all too well what it is like to go into an appointment excited to see your baby’s heart beat, only to find out that your baby is gone. 

The fear is all too real and I can’t help but think to myself, what if?  What if I am able to become pregnant for the 5th time on IVF and still have a miscarriage? I share these concerns with Ross and he is always quick to remind me that I can become pregnant again and 9 months later have a healthy baby to love. 

I think I will always grieve the 4 babies we have lost. In a matter of days after finding out I was pregnant, I had already dreamt a lifetime for that child. If they would be a boy or girl, if they would look like me or Ross, what they might accomplish as they grew up and I even dreamt about the children they might one day have. 

I’m not sure how my posts end up turning sad so often. But I do know that I have not lost hope. My joy is still here. I know with all my heart that I was meant to be a mother.