The last two days have been overwhelming, but I think it’s just me. Went to the doctor yesterday for ultrasound and blood work. I was able to see my regular doctor and he had a difficult time finding my left ovary just like the other dr last week. Something about “software” which ended up being my bowels obstructing the view. Gross. That’s why both doctors had to press down on my belly…to get my intestines out of the way. I have said this many times when I’ve shared our journey, and I know I will say it again: I now know WAY more about the inner workings of my body than I ever wanted to know. 

The good news is that we are good to start this stim cycle. I begin two shots a day of Lupron Thursday and Friday and then add in the Bravelle and Menopur on Saturday for a total of 4 shots each day. 

Back to the tired part now… We are actually kind of slow at work, which has been nice since that means I can catch up on stuff that has been neglected. However, I’m more tired now compared to when we were crazy busy just a matter of weeks ago. I think it might be a bit of anxiety as we start this second round of IVF. I can’t help but think of the possibilities of what is to come in the next few months, but I am always quick to remind myself that there is still a high chance that this won’t work again. I’ve been following some other infertility blogs, and some have had great success and others continue to have heartbreak. 

Did I share with you all that the one healthy embaby we had the first round of IVF was a boy? We knew because we elected to have genetic testing completed on embryos that made it to day 5. The miscarriages were so hard because I had weeks of thinking I was pregnant and thinking about that baby, but this time around, knowing the gender made it even harder. We will soon be at that stage again and I have not decided if I will want to know the genders this time around. We went ahead and found out last time since there was just one anyways. We are hoping for more than one healthy embryo this time around. 

Infertility can be very isolating. People just don’t get it. I know they don’t mean to be insensitive, but it’s hard to finally take the courage to share with someone what you are experiencing and get some of the responses or feedback from others who have not experienced the same issues. I took the step to share a bit about our journey with an acquaintance and then she shared about how she and her husband tried for 4 years (definitely a long time) and began the adoption process. Guess what? As soon as they began that process, she became pregnant! I was happy for her and thanked her for sharing, but she went on to tell me about eating healthy and positive thinking. She shared a few more related stories how pregnancy “just happened” for others that she knows. 

Does anyone else get defensive and then feel like you have to go into detail with mere aquaintences as to why it will likely be impossible for you and your partner to become pregnant without medical intervention? I feel like I need to show them lab work and hormone levels. Then again, others might just say “Just don’t tell them about the infertility if it’s hard or difficult to explain.” But, there we are. Back to the isolation. The feeling that no one understands. 

Ross and I have experienced multiple miscarriages, which can be isolating and now this IVF stuff. Aside from some of the other women I’ve met through blogging, I do not know anyone else on a personal level to whom I feel I can connect and relate to. The leader of the support group in my area has recently had to take a break, but I have to work late on the nights it was being offered anyways. Someone asked me yesterday if I thought I might lead it, but I don’t think I’m up for it. Not when I’m right in the middle of it all. 

I really didn’t intent for this post to be a pity party. I kind of rambled along through this post. I normally like them to be more focused. Again, I’m tired. I’m overthinking things. I’m overwhelmed.